A Bitch Kitty Rant

I've just had a horrible phone call: Me: Hello? Auntie: Halò! Me: Oh. Halò. Auntie: Charming. How are you? Me: I was fine. Auntie: Don't be so snotty. Me: I - Auntie: Are you busy next Thursday? Me: No, but - Auntie: Good! I've organised for all of us to meet in Dundee -- Me: Oh, no, no - Auntie: You will be there. And William. Me: No. Auntie: Yes. Me: No. Auntie: I'm your elder. Me: I don't care. Auntie: I'll have a word with your father - Me: *sigh* When? Auntie: Write this down: next Thursday at 10am. Sharp. And for what? A studio photo session with the whole family. Which isn't a good thing because:

1. the whole family = nine aunts, three uncles, and their children; their children's spouses and their children; my siblings, their spouses and their children; great aunts and uncles, and their spouses; and a smatter of relatives like cousin Grant. I'm not sure how he's related to us, but he's been with us since I was born.
2. a plan to get the family to sit in a studio photo session is insane. It's like trying to herd a bunch of hyperactive drunken sheep into a tiny pen. I know this because it happened every year.
3. I'm not photogenic at all. In fact, When Will found one family photo which was taken when I was twenty-four, he said I looked like a 13-year-old on crack. What makes it worse is he was right.
4. a certain uncle will be there, which means a) he'll piss my aunt off for turning up drunk, and b) he'll piss my aunt no. 3 off for turning up at all. His presence will also work his estranged wife of sixteen years into a frenzy, which will result with a verbal squabble between them. It's always a drama with them.
5. Dundee is not exactly one of my favourite places
6. some members of the family still find Will a novelty and their questions made me cringe, "Why don't you talk like John Wayne, William?" and "How can you live with it? With people shooting everybody dead?"
7. Bless my aunt, but she drives me batty with her bossiness, e.g. "Don't slouch! Shift over, nearer to Uncle Frazier! Rod! Stop pulling his toupee! Sit down - eh! Roisin, you're showing too much there! This is a family photograph! Pull your top up! Excuse me, sir, could you move your camera over there? I'm trying to do my job here ... oh, Fia, why are you looking like that? Smile. *gesture at mouth* Smile! Smile!"

I truly love my family [including my bossy aunt], but a day with them for a studio photo? It's my idea of Hell. Actually, the whole thing with studio family photography? It's a bizarre practice, methinks. Fake smile, cocked head, hands in an artistic pose [I still refuse to put my finger under my chin] and when the flash goes, try not to blink madly. I mean, honestly? A studio photo session? Who actually enjoys this sort? My aunt does, definitely. She'd organised this every f. year. EVERY YEAR! I tried my damn best to get out of it every time and I managed three times, but that is only because, those three times, I was living abroad. When I told Will about my aunt's phone call, he blanched. Then he tried to claim that he has a work trip on that day. I had to talk him into agreeing to go up to Dundee, but he's not happy about it at all. In fact he almost said, "I'm not spending an hour with your family", but he held his tongue because I think he knew that I'd break his neck for stating the obvious. Be good, be bad & be safe.