Text Adventure Game Hell

I was trying to track down a half-forgotten computer adventure game when I stumbled across this interview with Amy Briggs who was responsible for probably the world's first romance-oriented text adventure: Plundered Hearts. The interviewer was a bit iffy, but Amy Briggs held out well, defending romance novels and her decision to create a romance adventure game. I never had a chance to play Plundered Hearts as it was notoriously difficult to find, even when it was on current release. Having read this review, I think I'm going to track down a copy of Plundered Hearts, which I discovered to be part of The Lost Treasures of Infocom II. To be honest, I don't know why I'm keen on obtaining a copy when I consider the fact that I hated playing text adventures. Every time I tried, I ended up frustrated and pissed off over a game's limitations. To show how it'd been for me, see the pix below to get the idea of what a text adventure game looks like:

Now click on 'Read more' below to see my amended version [based on the original version from the Plundered Hearts manual] to show why text adventures have a tendency of turning me into a foaming-at-mouth lunatic. MISS SOPHIA'S WONDEROUS ADVENTURE [Map, five rooms, one object.] Ah, your first ball! For years you have dreamed of this night, begging dear Mama to let you put up your hair and lower the hem of your skirts. And now, here it is, your 17th birthday and your coming-out party. What beau might you meet? Who will steal away your heart? Will you be forced to spurn your father's massive fortune, in order to marry against his wishes, to elope with your true love, whoever he may turn out to be? Ballroom You are in the crowded ballroom of your parent's London house. The dance floor, twirling and swirling with finely dressed maidens and stalwart men, lies to the north. Near a grandfather clock to the south, French windows lead to a cool balcony overlooking the formal gardens. The butler stands nearby. The grandfather clock chimes the quarter hour. What do you want to do? [You type] >DANCE But you haven't been asked! The butler clears his throat, "Miss Sophie?" He holds out a screw of paper. "A gentleman asked me to deliver this." >ASK BUTLER ABOUT GENTLEMAN "A gentleman handed it to me, Miss. Dressed all in black, he was, and quite handsome, too." >ASK BUTLER ABOUT PAPER "A gentleman handed it to me, Miss. Dressed all in black, he was, and quite handsome, too." >TAKE PAPER Taken. The butler bows and moves away. >READ LETTER There is no letter! >READ PAPER On the paper is written, in an educated hand: "The first moment I saw you, I knew I had met my destiny. Your violet eyes, misty with youth and beauty, your fair skin, your golden tresses -- all these I knew I could not live without. I love you fair Sophia, I must be with you. Meet me on the balcony as the clock strikes midnight. With undying love." >LOOK Ballroom You are in the crowded ballroom of your parents' London house. The dance floor, twirling and swirling with finely dressed maidens and stalwart men, lies to the north. Near a grandfather clock to the south, French windows lead to a cool balcony overlooking the formal gardens. >LOOK AT CLOCK The clock shows 24 minutes after 11:00. >GO NORTH Dancers are blocking your way! >GO WEST Dancers are blocking your way! >GO EAST Dancers are blocking your way! >OH FUCK OFF! I don't understand "oh fuck off!" >SOUT I don't understand "sout" >LOOK SOUTH Near a grandfather clock to the south, French windows lead to a cool balcony overlooking the formal gardens. >GO LOOK Ballroom You are in the crowded ballroom of your parent's London house. The dance floor, twirling and swirling with finely dressed maidens and stalwart men, lies to the north. Near a grandfather clock to the south, French windows lead to a cool balcony overlooking the formal gardens. >GO SOUTH As you turn to go, a young man sidles next to you, shyly. "Miss S-sophia, um, would you, um, care to dance? W-with me, that is?" The clock chimes the half hour. >LOOK AT YOUNG MAN Although he looks rather uncomfortable in his rich velvets, the young man has large brown eyes framed with a mop of curly yellow hair. "Um, Miss Sophia?" he asks again, painfully shy. >YES An amazed smile of relief opens his face as he leads you onto the floor. Together you dance a quadrille. You discover that, despite his shyness, he is a masterful dancer. He tells you his name is George. >LOOK AT CLOOK I don't understand "clook". >LOOK AT CLOCK The clock shows 12 minutes to midnight. George leads you to the side of the dance floor. "Would you care for a c-cup of lemonade?" >YES He smiles, amazed again, and rushes off. >LOOK AT ME You look marvelous in a pink watered-silk gown. The thick strand of pearls around your neck sets off your creamy skin. >SOUTH Balcony You stand on the balcony overlooking the formal gardens, south. The scent of roses wafts up toward the full moon high above. Music floats through the french windows from the ballroom to the north. There are no other people here. >WAIT Time passes... In the ballroom, the clock chimes midnight. Suddenly, the moonlight is blocked by a tall broad-shouldered form. "Ah, Mistress Sophia. I expected you to answer my note." >KISS MAN You close your eyes and pucker up. Instead of the fiery touch of his lips pressing against yours, a rough sack is cast over your head. You open your eyes to total darkness. "Pretty you are, my dear" comes the man's chuckle. "But prettier still is the dowry that will be mine when we are wed." >KICKK! I don't understand "kickk!" >KICK!! I don't understand "kick!!" >I WANT TO KICK HIM YOU FUCKINGSTUPID MACHINE! I don't understand "I want to kick him you fuckingstupid machine!" >SAVE Saving game ... Saved. >KICK You can't kick. >SCREAM Your scream is muffled by the sack, but you hope someone may hear you. The wind is driven out of you as you are dropped several feet -- presumably from the balcony to the garden below. Moments later, you are slung over a shoulder, carried through bushes, and thrown onto some cushions. You hear a "giddyap!" and the crack of a whip. The carriage you have been put into moves forward. >LOOK Carriage, in the sack Dimly, through the rough weave of the sack, you can see that you are in a cushioned, empty carriage. Moonlight streams in one partly closed window. >INVENTORY You are carrying a screw of paper and your reticule (hanging from your wrist). Inside the reticule are a small needle, a small pair of scissors, a loop of elastic, a ball of beeswax, and one length of pink silk thread. Your mother always says to carry a repair kit in case you tear your ballgown. You bounce around on the floor of the carriage. >TAKE THE SHEARS. Taken. >CUT THE SACK. The tiny shears slowly cut a long rip in the sack. >GET OUT OF SACK You slip out of the sack. Countryside flies past the partly open window. >LOOK Carriage You are in a small, cushioned carriage. There is a door to the east. >OPEN DOOR But the carriage is moving so fast! You would fall to your death! Just then, the carriage lurches to a halt. Someone climbs from the driver's seat above you. >JUMP The door is blocking you! >SAVE Saving game ... Saved. >OPEN DOOR You open the door. Through it you can see a dark ruin of a house, one light burning at the door. Someone is walking towards the door to the carriage. >EAST You dash out of the carriage, into the darkness near the house. Wild Garden You stand panting in a clearing of a garden gone wild, behind a dark ruin of a house. One light shines from the doorway south of you. There is a lessening of the bushes to the north, away from the house and your pursuer. A carriage is stopped here, the horses stamping in the night. The man calls out, "Stop! Come back!" and starts in your direction. >RUN WEST You can't go that way! >RUN SOUTH You run into the man's arms. He smiles as you frantically struggle. He stabs you with a dagger. You are sweet seventeen and dead. Very dead. CREDITS ROLL. *headpalm* Hm. I just discovered that you can download a free copy of Plundered Hearts. Actually, I'm seriously tempted to think about creating one that allows players to take part in a romantic adventure. How would it go? A fast-paced Indiana Jones-style adventure romance that would have the h/h hunting for a relic while falling in love? A historical romance in 16th century Venice? A Regency-era romance that would have the heroine [e.g. you] flutters her eyelashes at a dashing-yet-very-aloof berk? A Medieval romance with a veddy handsome warrior chasing the heroine around the castle while fighting off an eevil sheriff? Romantic suspense? Nah, there are too many of those. We should have a pure romance game. Definitely not like Leisure Suit Larry, mind. :) Be good, be bad & be safe.